This is one of the most famous lines sung by The Rolling Stones:  “You can’t always get what you want”!

​

The Facts

And it’s a fact-of-life. Yet it seems to be one of the hardest lessons for children to learn. And maybe even for some adults too! 

​

Even for the most successful business moguls and movie stars, they don’t always get what they want. There will be times in all of our lives, no matter how smart, how rich, how strategic, or resourceful you are, that you won’t get what you want. A restaurant is sold out of the daily special you wanted; a manufacturer stopped producing your favorite perfume; or a grocery store closed 5 minutes before you got there. These are real things that happen that we can’t control.

​

Yet, it seems that the current parenting trend is to convince our kids that if they try hard enough they can have anything they want. We buffer our children from disappointment. We distract them from upset. We bend over backwards to make things right and fair and sweet, even though the rest of their life won’t always be this way. 

Many parents negotiate with their children by offering them alternatives instead of simply saying, “No, you can’t have that. (Period.)” Negotiating frequently after having already said ‘No” can teach kids to push and push until you give in.

A question we should ask ourselves is, “In the future when my child is grown-up, and their boss or a neighbour or a bank says “No”, will they have the skills to manage not getting what they want? Will they get upset, tantrum, or go into silent mode?  Or will they handle being told “No” staying centered and cool?”

​

The Fear

From speaking with several thousand parents, the number one reason why parents give in, negotiate, and find it hard to say “No” to their children’s requests is they fear upset and tantrums. 

Parents don’t want their children to be upset. They want them to be happy. 

Unhappiness is now pathologized. It’s seen as problem to be solved instead of a normal human emotion that comes and goes as part of a healthy human life. We strive for happiness. And most parents simply can’t be comfortable if their child is upset. 

​

In wealthy societies, parents have the ability to get their children lots of stuff and to control life well enough to minimize upsets. But it’s not realistic or sustainable to give a child everything they want. The moment a child leaves home, parents are no longer able to control their child’s work and relationships (although some parents try, like those in the United States who paid huge sums to buy their child’s entrance to top universities years ago. What a hard fall those children faced when real life kicked in and the government and universities said “No”.)

​

The Irony

Ironically, giving in to a child’s whining, when you say “No” only seems to reinforce that their unhappiness is a powerful communication tool that gets your attention. 

We think we are being kind by giving them what they want, but we are inadvertently reinforcing their unhappiness.

​

A New Possibility

Very early on, at the earliest age, we establish a relationship with our children. Like constructing a house, we can be conscious and deliberate with the type of relationship we design and build. Are you building a relationship based on using unhappiness to communicate or comfort and happiness? 

Unfortunately, most of us use bricks and beams of unhappiness: It’s as if we signal this message to our kids : “I, your parent, am responsible for your happiness. You can use whining, crying, tantrums to communicate to me that you are unhappy. I will then do everything I can, including getting you things, comforting you with affection, making promises and negotiating, for you to be happy, and I will keep doing this until you stop being unhappy.”

So…most children use a lot of unhappiness fairly regularly, including beyond the toddler years, to communicate and to get what they want.

​

This week, I invite you to start to establish a new relationship with your children or the kids you teach. 

​

Here’s a new message to signal to them: “I, your parent, am not responsible for your happiness. While I am responsible to feed you and clothe you, protect you and love you, you alone are entirely in charge of your own feelings. And so am I. You can choose how you feel about the situations in your life. This is a skill you can develop and I will help you, so that as you grow up and face more adult challenges, you will be empowered with the skills to foster a positive mental health. For now, when you use whining, crying, and tantrums to communicate to me, I am not going to respond, except to look to make sure you are safe. I am not going to reinforce your unhappiness. Unhappiness is natural and okay to feel and to express. But I no longer want to teach you that unhappiness is an effective way to communicate what you want. I am doing this because I want you to be happy. Importantly, from this day forward, I believe that it is okay for you to not get everything that you want. I believe that it’s fair and kind to set limits, to say “No”, and to make decisions as your adult caregiver that are different from what your not-yet-mature- mind thinks it wants. I will love you and I will be patient with you when you get unhappy because I will remind myself that you are still learning about emotions. I will no longer try to stop you from being unhappy. It is okay if you experience unhappiness since I believe you will move through it and learn that unhappiness is not effective. I’m excited to support you as you learn this valuable lesson by being totally consistent in not giving in to your whining or fussing. My job is no longer to stop you from crying by getting you things but to help you learn that you can’t always get what you want, and that’s okay.

​

I might even play the Rolling Stones song a few times in the kitchen to remind you and me both that it’s okay when “you can’t always get what you want”!

​

This lesson is essential for your child’s independence and self-regulation abilities. And, it has the power to improve your parent-child relationship!

​

 Have fun this week exploring these ideas!