In this week’s A.I.M., we consider how authoritarian versus permissive parenting affects child development. We’ll get insights from an interesting research study, and you’ll have the chance to find out what your parenting-style score is.

I can’t promise you’ll have magic powers like Mary Poppins, but by the end of today’s A.I.M., you’ll know which approach works better. Let’s jump in…

Supernanny

“You guys are pushovers. Why?... Discipline, where did that word go? Because it doesn’t exist in this house…What is going on when you can allow Grant to hit, to spit, and to treat the pair of you like doormats?" - Supernanny Jo

"When we give in, then he’ll be quiet.. And then we can have some peace after that…” - Parents from Supernanny

These are quotes from Season 2 Episode 14 of the reality TV show Supernanny USA, when Supernanny “Jo” is coaching two really passive and overly-permissive parents who have lost control of their three young boys.

But most of us don’t get guidance from Supernanny Jo, so here is some research and tips from my years of parent coaching that will point you in the right direction.

Parenting Style

Years ago, during my Masters studies at Harvard University, as I sat in the library, I read a research paper on the relationship between parenting styles and children’s level of anxiety.

Psychology Professor Cucu-Ciahan of the University of Bucharest in Romania asked adult participants to retrospectively score their parents on a scale of permissiveness to strictness.

They were asked if, as children, they had a strict bedtime or could they stay up playing as late as they wanted? Were house rules enforced or could they easily ignore their parents and push boundaries?

Participants were also scored on measures of their life success in work, relationships, and mental health, including anxiety. The researchers then correlated parenting style to the adult-child’s life success.

I remember being surprised by the results that people who had parents on either of the extremes, who were either too strict or too permissive, grew up having the highest probability of anxiety!

By this time in life, I had already worked with hundreds of autistic children, and knew that as many as 50% of the autistic population has anxiety disorder, compared to about 9% in the general population.

Was any of this due to parenting, I wondered?

Yet, I’m also hyper-aware of the sad history of the psychology field blaming mothers for their child’s autism, which I wrote about in my book Challenging the Myths of Autism. We have to be cautious and critically examine research that tries to connect children’s development to parenting.

But then, as I sat there in the library, I thought about the fact that most autistic children spend the majority of their day in intensive therapy programs and in school. I wondered to myself, if different styles of autism therapy could trigger more or less anxiety?

Control in Autism Therapy

One university professor has wondered the same question.  Amy Laurent is a developmental psychologist and a registered pediatric occupational therapist. She is also the co-founder of Autism Level UP! But I know her best as one of the insightful innovators behind the S.C.E.R.T.S. Model. 

She, along with Dr. Barry Prizant, another autism specialist who I greatly admire, and Emily Rubin, developed a highly respectful approach to supporting autistic students. I was fortunate to participate in a S.C.E.R.T.S. training years ago in California taught by Barry and Amy.

While the majority of autism therapy approaches are based on gaining control over a child, called “compliance”, other therapy styles give lots of control and permit extreme autonomy.

Amy Laurent did a Tedx talk in which she addressed the connection between styles of autism therapy and anxiety:

“It’s time for educational practice to reflect our knowledge, our knowledge from the research and our knowledge from the voices of autistic individuals... We need to rethink this focusing on extinguishing behaviors, on control, and compliance”

In her TedX talk, Dr. Laurent included video clips of several autistic adults sharing about how the more-controlling authoritative therapies affected them. This is Stephen Shore, an autistic adult:

"Focus on compliance-driven programs and how they can be potentially dangerous and be damaging and in some cases cause post traumatic stress syndrome to autistic individuals.”

And here is another autistic adult named Patti:

“Two results emerge:  One, anxiety increases, and two, there’s internal damage due to our communication not being  honored.”

Dr. Laurent sums it up this way:

“These lived experiences of enduring educational programs which focus on behavior management and focus on trying to make someone appear indistinguishable, despite their unique neurology, need to become a thing of the past.”

To be clear, I didn’t choose these clips to throw behavior therapies under the bus. I am equally critical of play-therapies that avoid imposing any demands on a child.

In fact, I, myself, was initially trained in play-therapy which you would assume is full of fun and couldn’t trigger anxiety. But it turns out that extremely permissive therapy styles, like some play- therapies, may not provide enough direction and boundaries for children. In fact, researchers have shown that children feel more secure, and less anxious, when they have clear boundaries to follow, set by adults they trust.

If you’re interested to find out how your parenting style scores, you’ll find a brief 10 question survey at the bottom of this audiocast.

The Take-Aways

So what are the take-aways?  What should parents do?

Unfortunately, there hasn’t been conclusive research done on parenting style or therapy style related to anxiety in autism.

However, my personal experience and observation over 25 years in the autism field leads me to conclude ‘Yes’, the way in which autism therapists and parents interact with children can either increase or reduce anxiety.

I believe that for autism therapy and parenting to be most effective, a child has to be given both clear directions with certainty as well as permission to experiment and explore within boundaries.

Certain Boundaries

Two of the words I just mentioned are super important for reducing anxiety in children: Adults must set boundaries and then be certain about the boundaries they set. Boundaries with certainty.

Children gain comfort knowing that someone else, a caring adult, is looking out for their best interest. When an adult tells a child to hold hands to cross a road, for example, the child may feel some comfort knowing the adult cares for their safety and even knows what to do to protect them.

Yes of course, children push back against boundaries. This is especially true as a child gets older and into the teen years. But in early development years, from 0 to 3, adults who parent with clear boundaries and who are certain and confident in setting these boundaries, can potentially reassure their children that they are cared for and protected.

And in the teen years, when nature compels us to establish our autonomy and independence, even though we push against authority, like teachers and parents, we ultimately respect adults more who are confident and certain, who don’t back down about the boundaries they set.

Certainty Means Follow-Through

A really important nuance that a 20-year longitudinal study detected is that when an adult sets a boundary or limit, like when they say “No” or set a rule for example, the degree to which the parents sticks to the rule is the degree to which a child will trust the adult and therefore feel comfort or anxiety.

In other words, adults who waffle, whose mind can be changed by a child’s whining or push-back, are more likely to induce anxiety in the child.

Find the Balance

In the end, it’s all about a balance: too much control or too few boundaries can both lead to increased anxiety. Regardless, whichever parenting style you favor, it’s important to feel confident and certain about the parenting decisions you make.

For the record, there are of course many other factors that contribute to anxiety including genetics and environmental factors far outside of parenting like trauma, social pressures, and even sleep issues. For some, Anxiety Disorder is a very real debilitating daily crisis that is not caused by parenting style!

But what is clear is that educators, therapists, and caregivers can help create feelings of security and comfort by setting healthy boundaries (by controlling in appropriate and reasonable ways), while balancing this with allowing (permissiveness) children to explore their autonomy through giving them choices and safe spaces to experiment.

Your A.I.M.

So, this week, your AIM is to stick with the limits you set in a loving and comfortable way. Know that setting limits is okay –  and actually is part of building a healthy level of comfort and security for your child.

At the same time, this week, give your child extra autonomy to try things on their own. And give your child more choices so they can learn how to make decisions.

You’ve got this!

Now, if you found this week’s A.I.M. interesting, please take a moment now to leave a comment below. I’d love to hear from you! And, if you haven’t already, you can get access to one of my free parenting courses at ThriveGuide.co. And yes, they are totally free, no strings-attached! It’s my way of helping you and your child to have more “best days”.

1. Cucu Ciuhan, G. (2021). Relationship between permissive parenting style and atypical behaviour in preschool children, with generalized anxiety as mediator. Early Child Development and Care, 1-9.

Parenting Style Self-Survey

Instructions: Read each statement and decide how frequently it applies to you

(1 = Never, 5 = Always).

Section A (Authoritarian Tendencies)

1. I expect my child to follow rules without asking questions ___

2. I believe in strict discipline and rarely explain the reasons behind my rules ___

3. I use punishments or threats to ensure my child obeys ___

4. I show little warmth or affection when disciplining my child ___

5. I tell my child, "Because I said so" when they question my decisions ___

Section A Total _____

Section B (Permissive Tendencies)

1. I find it difficult to set strict limits on my child’s behavior ___

2. I avoid disciplining my child to ensure they like me and are happy ___

3. I let my child make their own decisions about things like bedtime and meals ___

4. I am very warm and affectionate, but rarely hold my child accountable ___

5. I rarely enforce consequences when my child breaks a rule ___

Section B Total _____

Add Section A Total + Section B Total = GRAND TOTAL _____

Scoring Interpretation

• High Score in A, Low in B: You lean toward an authoritarian style. Your children likely follow rules well but may struggle with low self-esteem or rebel later.

• High Score in B, Low in A: You lean toward a permissive style. You have a warm relationship, but your child may lack self-regulation or struggle with boundaries.

• Low Score in Both (High in Authoritative): You likely fall in the middle—warm and responsive, but firm with expectations.

(Note: This is a simplified, unofficial tool based on Baumrind’s parenting styles.)