When Julianne was 8 years old, I flew 4 hours from Toronto to Edmonton and then drove another 3 hours to Jasper, Alberta to organize a small group of educators, good-hearted volunteers, and Julianne’s family to wrap around this truly special autistic girl with love, with genuine acceptance of her neuro-differences, and with clear goals to support her development. At 8 years old, she was non-speaking. Not toilet trained.

Julianne, who we all called Jules, had already had some early autism intervention before I arrived.

In Canada, as in the United States of America, and now around all countries, Applied Behavior Analysis, called ABA, is the number one recommended autism therapy. And, especially back then, ABA therapy focuses first and foremost on gaining a child’s compliance. Therapists use food and toys to reward obedience.

Children learn to pay attention and to follow instructions but, as many autistics themselves have reported, the process is often traumatic and controlling. ABA therapists can be as kind and caring as any educator, but the applied methodology itself teaches the child systematically that relationship is about trading tangible reinforcements to get what you want from the other. Once compliance is established, and once autistic behaviors judged as nonfunctional are extinguished, children are usually taught basic cognitive tasks like sorting colours and shapes. Pointing to body parts. And speech.

Our approach with Jules was very different. Her mother was clear from the beginning that she wanted to prioritize social skills and for her daughter to enjoy the process.

Jules needed to still learn independence skills like toileting and getting dressed, but her mother knew instinctually, and I reinforced professionally that learning is largely a social process. To learn from the rich social family and school environment, we observe others, we imitate our parents and peers, we follow, and we lead. We learn the reciprocal social dance – the back and forth of play, the back and forth of conversation, sharing, and taking turns.

"Success in social communication is critical for success in pre academic and academic activities. So if you think of a typical classroom where children need to secure a teacher's attention by raising their hands.... or need to monitor their friends and the answers that their friends are giving in an academic activity, that really has to do with classroom discourse, and being able to follow the flow of turn taking, and the flow of reciprocity within the classroom."

This is a quote from Dr. Barry Prizant, a speech pathologist with 50 years of clinical experience, a Brown University professor, a co-founder of the S.C.E.R.T.S. model and author of five books including his latest title, Uniquely Human.

I had the privilege to attend a two-day training led by Dr. Prizant and was honored to have his endorsement for my book Challenging the Myths of Autism.

S.C.E.R.T.S. is an acronym with the first two letters standing for Social Communication. Barry and his two co-founders believe, as I do, that social skills can form a foundation to accelerate all other learning. But they can serve many other important functions.

Here he is again, from a Medbridge Education presentation called “The Importance of Communication”

"We know that progress in social communication supports a well regulated emotional state. So if a child can request help when frustrated, rather than getting dysregulated... that is huge!"

Unfortunately, many autism therapy programs think of social skills as “advanced” development to be introduced later.

But the field is changing. There’s a shift, even amongst ABA approaches, toward prioritizing socialization. What I learned and witnessed that worked over 30 years ago in a play-based program, ABA researchers are now claiming as new science in programs like The JASPER model.

I’m so happy that most of my autism therapist colleagues now agree that social skills are foundational, not optional!

It’s important to pause here for a moment to note that teaching socially normative skills should not be done as a way to mask autistic traits. And they should never be forced.

Social skills go way beyond eye contact!

With Jules, we focused hugely on shared enjoyment, reciprocal communication, understanding boundaries, and expressing emotions.

The intention is to empower autistic individuals with an understanding of how they can communicate what they might need and want. Social communication and social skills can increase safety, independence, emotional regulation, mental health, and quality of life.

But at the very heart of why Julianne’s mother and me in designing the integrated multi- treatment approach prioritize social skills is even more simply to surround the autistic child with genuinely loving, authentic, accepting and caring relationships.

We truly wanted Jules to “feel the love” and to want more of it. We wanted to inspire her and motivate her to make an effort toward mutually respectful and meaningful relationships.

Jules might not ever write an essay in school, but her mother was determined for Jules to be a friendly member of her community.

Not long ago, I got to have brunch with Jules and her mother. She’s 30 years old now. She sat beside me in the dinner, and, within a minute of arriving, leaned her head on my shoulder gently and smiled. She asked if she could have some of my water. And she giggled several times that morning with happiness that we were all together.

No, Jules never has written an essay (yet), but she has blossomed beautifully into a bundle of smiles who seeks social interactions, who shares her humor, who shares affection, and who charms her caregivers and community.

Your AIM This Week:

This week, I invite you to A.I.M. for more social connection. Prioritize social skills over academics.

The goal isn’t to make autistic children look less autistic — it’s to help them communicate, to access the human relationships that we all crave, and to thrive!

Social learning has too often been postponed while adults focused on compliance, proper behavior, and isolated cognitive tasks.

But relationships aren’t secondary to development — they are the foundation and accelerators of development!

If you found this week’s AIM interesting, please forward it right away to another parent or professional you know could benefit.

I always appreciate those who leave a comment and if you click “Like” it helps us reach many  more families. Thank you and until next time, AIM for something great!