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Your AIM This Week:
Build Resilience in your Child
Listen to this week’s A.I.M
on the audio player below
"Are you kidding... That's not fair!"
Jonathan on the Moms Talk Autism Podcast:
"Let’s say they come home from school and they got a low mark and you’re the kind of parent that says “oh well your teacher doesn’t know anyway", you kind of dismiss it, as opposed to putting the responsibility on the kid and saying “Maybe, you gotta study harder”. If that’s what’s happening, then don’t be surprised when you try and impose a consequence and they say “That’s not fair!”
For this week’s A.I.M. we look back to part of a conversation I had with four amazing mom’s, each raising an autistic child, and who collaboratively host a top parenting podcast called Mom’s Talk Autism.
I’ve been a guest on three episodes with them discussing different parenting strategies. And today I selected several smaller segments on “fairness” and why this is one of the overlooked keys to making consequences work.
You’ll learn why it’s okay to let your child experience unfairness, and how this can make your child more resilient.
Host of Moms Talk Autism Podcast: "All right, so, we are back with… I’m not even going to do the long intro Jonathan because you are here for the third episode… you are now just a friend of the podcast, Jonathan Alderson, and we’ve been waiting for this episode since episode one I think, we have so much so talk about and we’ve had such awesome conversations, but today we are going to focus on our kids and consequences.
I think one thing that has been difficult for me as a parent is I have a neurotypical child who is older and consequences were always very natural with her. It was very easy.
And I have struggled some with consequences with Gracie because I want to make sure she is fully understanding why these consequences are happening.
And I think that’s a struggle for a lot of our community; How do we make sure that they’re fair, how do we make sure that they’re understood; How are we still providing loving supportive parenting but also relaying the fact that there are consequences?”
Sorry to interrupt, but, before we read more of this interview, I just want say for the record that I love these moms!
They are bright, intelligent, curious to learn everything they can to help their kids thrive, and they are wise enough to laugh at life and not have to be perfect. It’s always such a pleasure to be a guest on the Mom’s Talk Autism podcast because it feels more like a coffee chat than an interview.
And if you’re interested to hear my tips on using consequences effectively, you can listen to the full Mom’s Talk Autism episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
But for today’s A.I.M. we’ll jump in part way through to a segment about the concept of “fairness”.
Jonathan: “I think It’s really important in this discussion to be clear as a parent to not try and make life fair. To not try and make consequences disappear for your autistic child. That’s really important.
On the one hand, a lot of parents - because we love our kids - we try and make things fair. "You get a toy and your brother gets a toy", "Someone at school got to have a turn and your teacher didn’t give it to you so we’ll give you the turn now". We’re trying to always make things equal all the time.
The problem is, life doesn’t actually happen like that. And as a parent you can’t always be there. And so the lesson that kids miss is learning that life isn’t fair, but you can be resilient anyway!
Host: "I love that!"
Jonathan: There’s a whole movement around resiliency and how do we help our kids be more resilient… one of the answers is, you have to not try and make life fair, and if a kid says "That’s not fair", a great answer could be “You’re right! Life isn’t fair! But the good news is, we’re learning how to still choose happiness, still find fun, still be optimistic, still keep being resilient and try again and all those other great things around resiliency."
Host: "It's so good."
I am just going to repeat the key point here. Not only is it okay to teach your kids that “life isn’t fair” but it may even be an important step toward helping them to be more resilient.
American author and motivational speaker Steve Maraboli wrote in his book called Life, the Truth and Being Free that “Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, [instead] we get stronger and more resilient.”
Self-Awareness
I invite you to pause here for a moment and reflect on how much effort you put into protecting your children from life’s unfairness. Do you try to make things equal between your kids or in relation to their peers? If their friend gets a toy, do you make sure to get your child a toy too? If a teacher or coach doesn’t give your child equal turns or an equal mark, do you step in to make sure it’s fair for your child?
These are just questions for you to consider. Not everyone parents the same. And in my parent coaching, I facilitate parents to have greater self-awareness of their feelings and beliefs, without judgement, and to try on new perspectives.
And as you’ll hear next, these moms stay open to reflecting on themselves and what they can learn in order to advance to improve their parenting:
Host: “It’s funny because you look back to when I was a kid and I can’t tell you how many times my parents told me “Life’s not fair!". And it feels like the further we’ve gotten from me being a kid, people aren’t saying that. They're saying “What do you mean life is not fair? Well we should make life fair”. But life is just not always going to be fair… I love that lesson Jonathan”
There does seem to be shifts in parenting styles from generation to generation. The way my grandparents thought about raising children was different than my parents. And my views on parenting are different than my parents in some ways. And each generation has its own social and economic dynamics that shape how we raise children.
For example, children today have to navigate social media bullying and the addiction of too many hours in front of digital screens, and now AI. But along with increased stress, we see more youth than ever experiencing anxiety and depression. Some researchers suggest modern parents are over-protecting their children, not letting them build resilience.
But what’s wrong with protecting my child from life’s unfairness?
Advocate for Inclusion
Host: "It's just not good."
Jonathan: "Well here’s what happens, for a couple of years…maybe even five or six years, you can make things pretty fair. As a mom and a dad you can do it. You can buy your kids each a toy, you can give them each a turn, there are a lot of things. You’re in your environment, you can control a lot.
So the false hope in some way that you set up in your children is that life is going to continue to be fair and if it’s not and you come home and complain, mom will make it right.
Of course it’s important to try and make systems more fair. Of course it’s important to fight for inclusion. Of course it’s important to talk to your local softball association to say “My child deserves to be at bat as many times as every other kid". One-hundred percent!
But, it’s not possible to control all of what they’re going to run into. Therefore, if we don’t teach our kids that there are unfair things and how to manage those, then they’re not going to be resilient and they’re not set up for success.
So, now if we step back for a minute and ask “How do I help my child understand consequences?"
For example, "If you play roughly with your sister, she might not want to play with you." That's how it works. I'm not going to shelter you from that. It's not a bad thing for you to learn that. I don't have to play referee around that. I'll make sure that you don't get clumps of hair pulled out of your head but apart from that, maybe your sister doesn't want to play with you and you've got to live with that for this Saturday afternoon.
What happens is if you’re able to not shelter your child from natural consequences it’s much much easier for you to roll out consequences as a parent in other circumstances because they understand the concept of it in the first place”.
Your A.I.M.
This week, I invite you to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of this unfair life. Do this within reason, keeping in mind your child’s age and maturity.
A.I.M. to strengthen your child’s resilience by interpreting life’s negative and positive consequences in a way that gives them more empathy and courage rather than sheltering them from these growth opportunities.
And as always, I would love to hear how these strategies work for you in the comment section below.
Remember to follow me on Instagram.
And if you have a question, reach out to me at support@ThriveGuide.co.
Have a great week. You got this!
Jonathan Alderson
Autism Expert
Founder, ThriveGuide
Author, Challenging the Myths of Autism
Listen to the Full Episode of the Moms Talk Autism Podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts
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Created by Autism Specialist.
Jonathan Alderson, Ed. M., draws on 25+ years of supporting autistic children.
Completely free resource.
No strings attached. Just a way for us to support as many families as possible.
Completely free resource.
No strings attached. Just a way for us to support as many families as possible.
Created by Autism Specialist.
Jonathan Alderson, Ed. M., draws on 25+ years of supporting autistic children.