These two words are important for reducing anxiety in children: Adults must set boundaries and then be certain about the boundaries they set.

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 Your Parenting Style Matters

Years ago, during my Masters studies at Harvard University, I read research on the relationship between parenting styles and children’s level of anxiety. How you parent can affect your child’s anxiety level. Parenting styles can range from very controlling to very permissive and everything in between. 

Research shows that the extremes, controlling parents who don’t give their children autonomy and permissive parents who give their children too much choice, can lead to higher anxiety

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Control in Autism Therapy

As I read this research, I wondered if therapy style with autistic children affects their anxiety. Some autism therapy approaches control children more than others, while therapy styles that just “follow a child’s lead”  giving a child total autonomy, can be too permissive. I believe for therapy to be effective, the child has to be given both clear directions and space to experiment and explore within the boundaries. 

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Unfortunately, there hasn’t been conclusive research done on therapy style and anxiety in autism.

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However, my personal experience and observation over 25 years in the autism field leads me to conclude ‘Yes’, the way in which an autism therapist interacts with children can either increase or reduce anxiety. 

Hypothetically, based on the initial study I read, both the extremely controlling Discrete Trial Training (which is a style of Applied Behavior Analysis) on one end and an extremely permissive play therapy on the other end might trigger some anxiety. But why? 

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Even though most play therapists approach their relationship with autistic children playfully and highly observant of a child’s needs and interests, they may not provide enough direction and boundaries. It turns out, researchers have shown that children feel more secure when they have clear boundaries to follow, set by adults they trust. 

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Boundaries Can Be Comforting

I think about it as the comfort you get knowing that someone else who is older and wiser than you is looking out for your best interest. When an adult tells a child to hold hands to cross a road, the child may feel some comfort knowing the adult cares for their safety and even knows what to do to protect them. 

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Certainty Can Be Comforting Too

Yes of course, children push back against boundaries. This is especially true as a child gets older and into the teen years. But in early development years, from 0 to 3, adults who parent with clear boundaries and who are certain or confident in setting these boundaries, can potentially reassure their children that they are cared for and protected. 

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And in the teen years, when nature compels us to establish our autonomy and independence, even though we push against authority like teachers and parents, we ultimately respect adults more who are confident and certain, who don’t back down, about the boundaries they set. 

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Find the Balance

It’s all about a balance: too much control or too few boundaries can both lead to increased anxiety. Regardless, whichever parenting style you favor, it is important to feel confident and certain about the parenting decisions you make. 

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Since reading that first study during my Masters, I have read many more studies1 that confirm the importance of finding the balance between control and permissiveness. But to be clear, there are of course many other factors that contribute to anxiety, including genetics. For some, Anxiety Disorder is a very real debilitating daily crisis and is not caused by parenting style!   

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But what is clear is that educators, therapists, and caregivers can help create feelings of security and comfort by setting healthy boundaries (controlling in appropriate and reasonable ways), while balancing this with allowing (permissiveness) children to explore their autonomy through giving them choices and to allow them to experience natural consequences. 

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Certainty Means Follow-Through

A very important nuance that a 20-year longitudinal study detected is that when an adult sets a boundary or limit, i.e. when they say “No” or make a rule, the degree to which they stick to it is the degree to which a child will trust the adult and therefore feel comfort or anxiety. 

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Adults who waffle, whose mind can be changed by a child’s whining or pushing, are more likely to induce anxiety in the child. And this anxiety can have a ripple-like impact as many as 20+ years later in the child’s life. 

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Although in the moment we might think that giving in to a child’s desire is better, to reduce their unhappiness, the researchers suggest that when adults give up on the boundary they set, the child may experience an internal anxiety because the adults who care for them are not really certain what is best for them. It turns out that even at a young age, we are all, to some degree, comforted and feel secure in knowing someone close to us can take charge when needed. 

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Your A.I.M.

This week, your AIM is to stick with the limits you set in a loving and comfortable way. Knowing that setting limits is okay and actually is part of building a healthy level of comfort and security for your child.  

Give your child autonomy to try on their own. Give your child choices so they can learn how to make decisions. But also, be certain when you set a boundary. Don’t waiver. And stay certain in a comfortable and loving way. 

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You’ve got this!

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