How do you think about yourself? How do you talk to yourself. How do you treat yourself? These are the components of self-esteem. And sadly, the majority of us are pretty hard on ourselves.

And for parents raising children with special needs, the statistics are even more dire due to chronic stress, social isolation, and guilt. Like the mom who sat crying on the bench, many parents feel immense guilt, from thinking they may have caused their child’s learning challenges to feeling they aren’t doing enough to help them.

Relationship Re-Engineering

But researchers have shown that it’s possible to reverse these feelings. There are specific strategies that can re-engineer your self-esteem.

Oprah Wynfrey adds some motivational spin to the science, she says:  

"Imagine waking up every day feeling unstoppable! Knowing deep down that you have what it takes to face any challenge and achieve your dreams... What if I told you that the key to unlocking that kind of power is already within you? Self confidence is not something you're born with, it's something you can build and cultivate every single day."

In this week’s A.I.M. audiocast we look at why most of us are so hard on ourselves, we’ll learn about the link between self-esteem and hope, and why one of the best ways you can help your special needs child more is to be kinder to…yourself!  Let’s dive in!

Emotional Fuel

Sitting on the bench with that parent on a damp day in the English countryside, I remember that we went on to talk about her lack of hope. This mom who so dearly loved her autistic son, struggled to feel any sense of hope for his future, or her own future.

Let’s pause here: this is an important feeling. Because hope acts like fuel. We can all agree that “Hope isn’t a strategy!” - and it doesn’t magically solve your problems. But hope can motivate you to at least try.

Hope is an emotional fuel that keeps us moving forward, especially when the road is rough, because you believe that somewhere up ahead, there’s the possibility that things can get better.

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist. He wrote a book that I’ve had on my shelf for years that I dip into often called Peace in Every Step. He’s not one of those always happy monks living up on a mountain top,... he’s a realist who teaches us how we can feel less stress while living in the busy daily grind of modern life. And he’s helped thousands of people learn how.

Although hope isn’t really one of his main strategies, he says:

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear the hardship today.”

Negative Spiral

OK - so here is where we connect the dots.  Remember the parent I talked with sitting on the bench? She not only suffered from low self-esteem but she also felt hopeless.

Well, it turns out that researchers at a University in Turkey found a significant correlation between self-esteem and hopelessness, and specifically in parents raising special needs kids. They found that lower self-esteem usually means lower feelings of hope.

It’s a negative downward spiral because they feed into each other. So it stands to reason that one way we can boost the important hope fuel is to improve self-esteem!

If, as a parent, you can build your self-esteem skills - if you can be a nicer, kinder, more forgiving friend to yourself, not only will you have more energy to parent, but you might also get the correlated benefit of a greater sense of hope.

Befriend Yourself

Now, let’s get practical. Let’s look at two practical strategies you can use to improve your self-esteem that are doable for everyday folks like you and me:

#1 Cultivate self-compassion

But let me put this in regular language – basically you gotta be a better friend to yourself! Think about what you do for your close friends – how thoughtful you are, how attentive to their needs you are, how you show them appreciation, you express gratitude in a thank you text or card.  And now, think about doing these same good friendship skills from yourself to yourself!

The importance of practicing a more positive relationship with yourself was reinforced in an episode of the Mother’s Guide Through Autism Podcast. The host, Brigitte Shipman is the mother of an autistic son and an author, and here she is giving a definition of self-love in her podcast episode called Why Self-love is Key to Happier Autism Parenting.

“I really like the definition from positive psychology magazine,... so here’s self-love…self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical , psychological, and spiritual growth…”

A key thing Brigitte just said there is that self love grows from actions. And that’s why I used the verb “cultivate” in the title of this strategy … to cultivate self-compassion.

Being a good friend is not just about thinking friendly — you gotta be friendly. It’s not enough to think gratitude, you make it tangible by sending the thank you email, right? Same thing goes with your self.

What action can you take today in the next hour or so that you wish a friend would do for you? Go ahead and take that action from yourself toward your self.

#2 Reframe Negative Self-Talk

Okay, I’m gonna share something here that is pretty personal and that I’ve only shared with a few clients over the years.

Back in my mid-twenties, when I was working on improving my own self-esteem, I became aware of how often I would criticize myself. I could literally hear myself saying “that was dumb” or “I’m so stupid!”. So, on the advice of a wise mentor, instead of focusing on my mistakes, I made a personal commitment to celebrate my small wins and effort at least once every day.

So, at some point during the work day, I would call my personal home phone and leave myself a voice message:

“Hey Jonathan - today when you were in that play-therapy session with little Antoine, you were so creative with that lego-tag game you invented! Great job my friend!”

Of course, by the time I would get home from working late, I often forgot that I had left the voice message, so later in the evening when I checked my voice messages, I would hear myself cheering me on … “Hey Jonathan – great job my friend!”

And I admit, it was a bit strange…but I would laugh and the daily positive affirmation definitely boosted my confidence. And more importantly, over time, what this daily practice did, because I did it for over a month, was to re-engineer how I thought and how I talked to myself.

The voice in my head went from constant inner-critic to, more often, positive coaching.

Ya, it sounds awkward at first. And yes, your family will give you funny looks if you talk out loud to yourself! But go ahead and do it, like writing in a journal or sending yourself an email, the goal here is to shift your habit of negative self-talk into positive self-compassion.

AIM for More Hope

This week, I invite you to start a new relationship with yourself toward your good self.

You put in tons of energy as a parent or teacher or sibling every day. You’re trying your best. Why wait for someone else to recognize this?

Cultivate more self-compassion and re-frame negative self-talk. AIM for better feelings including more hope!

And if this AIM was empowering for you, please think of one other person who you know could benefit from it too - and forward it to them now.

And I always appreciate those of you who take time to leave a comment.

Until next time, I hope you AIM for something great!