So what I find interesting is the idea of pivoting the focus toward ourselves, as parents and as educators, to think about how we can change first.

How can we change and grow to be more effective parents and more effective therapists? What could we change in our own behavior to better model the social, communication, and independence skills to our autistic children?

What can I as an autism specialist change in my thinking to become more accepting and embracing of autistic behavior? What can I mature within myself to be more comfortable with autistic repetitious behaviors? What beliefs do I hold that I can change in order to be more open to the different ways that autistic people experience and process sensory input?

The Science of Change

Researchers have discovered several factors that influence the human brain to be more receptive to change. One of the strongest is mood. Yes! How you are feeling, happy or sad, excited or frustrated, influences how open you are to learning, to paying attention, to receiving instructions, and following a teacher’s lead.

In the Integrated Multi-Treatment approach that I developed decades ago, autism specialist therapists and parents are trained to be aware of their mood – how they feel when working with an autistic child -  in order to set the most effective mood possible for the child to be maximally receptive to learning.

Therapies that trigger upset by forcing children, sometimes like discrete trial training and some other forms of highly structured ABA, may unintentionally make a child less receptive to learning. But mood is only one factor among several.

When it comes to pivoting to changing yourself first, before asking a child to change, here are two more factors that you as an adult can control to accelerate your own personal change and growth:

1. Conscious Decisions: People who make a deliberate conscious decision to change, to grow, to learn are over 98% more likely to reach their goal compared to those who don’t set personal goals and who don’t make the conscious decision to change.

2. Self-Awareness: The ability to “observe” yourself, to identify your feelings, to pay attention to your thoughts, to notice your behavior patterns is an almost essential skill for self-growth to occur. Without self-awareness, change is slower and by chance.

One parent I coached explained that they wanted their autistic child to not get so upset when they don’t get what they want. I suggested that a starting point could be for this parent to assess how calm they themselves are when they don’t get what they want. This is the self-awareness part. The parent laughed out loud admitting that they already know that they are indeed impatient. They aren’t calm when they don’t get what they want. But without me saying much, just listening, this motivated the parent to come to their own conclusion that in order to help their son, they needed to first change their own attitude and behaviour to be more okay with not getting what they want sometimes.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

So far the examples of things parents can consider changing have been about attitude and thinking, but what about actions? Without having to do a deep-dive into what you think and feel, you can focus too on changing your behaviors.

For example, if you want your child to be more flexible in daily routines, ask yourself in what ways could you yourself model more flexibility in daily routines? Could you maybe sit in a different chair for meals at the table? Could you perhaps try a different juice for breakfast? Could you expand your own flexibility by not turning on the TV one night to instead read a book or do a craft? Routines are helpful and especially important for teaching autistic children, but flexibility is an equally important life-skill too.

Another common behavior challenge I’m often asked about is staying seated at the dining table. If you want your child to focus on sitting and finishing their food at meals, could you be a better model of staying seated, eating slowly, and staying focused at the table with them? Maybe you already are, so you might want to simply increase your positive reinforcement and praise of your child anytime they do stay at the table and give them less attention when they leave.

It’s easier than you think

When you’re so aligned with a behavior goal that you yourself are actually being what you want your child to become, then you are a more powerful model and teacher for them to follow.

Change doesn’t have to take a long time. When you have some self-awareness, change is inevitable! And when you are deliberate and consciously choosing to change, it can happen in an instant.

Barry Neil Kaufman, author of the pocket book “Happiness Is A Choice” suggests that the longest part of change is all the time we take resisting, making excuses, and then the time it takes to finally decide to do something about it!

Don’t delay!

Important personal-growth is waiting for you to decide. Your child will benefit, as soon as you “Be the change”!