Path of Least Resistance

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The mother of a 4 year-old once asked me if I thought her son had ODD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Little Ethan appeared to be committed to doing the opposite of whatever his parents asked. When they said “get ready for bed”, Ethan found a book to read instead. And when they asked him to put the book away, he walked to the shelf to take three more books down. His parents were exasperated!

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Sitting in their livingroom, during our first conversation, it was clear that they hired me to teach them how to get control of their young child. They had heard from other parents that I could get kids to change and cooperate. So they asked me what strategies I use to get kids to comply? I smiled and replied, “I don’t. It’s a lot of work to get compliance. It’s always a battle… The easier way…the path of least resistance that works way better, is to build collaboration. Not compliance.” Ethan’s parents sat across from me looking a bit confused but also interested to hear more. 

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A Tale of Two Words

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Compliance and collaboration both start with the letters ‘Co’ but otherwise are almost opposites in terms of what they feel like in a relationship. And this is really important to think about.  

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In our modern day, compliance means yielding to someone else’s demands because of the promise of a reward or the threat of a consequence. Whereas collaboration means doing something with someone else willingly. Compliance usually means giving up control to someone else, whereas collaboration involves sharing control with someone else. 

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As a kid myself, I was inspired by my grandfather’s keen interest in etymology. He liked to know the origin of words so he could use the right word for the right meaning. I remember learning that the word “quaranteen” came directly from the Italian word for the number forty - quaranta, which was the number of days that merchant ships had to be isolated when they docked in the mid 1300’s, to prevent the spread of the plague. So, isolating to prevent the spread of disease was called quarantine.  

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Getting back to obedience though, the origin of the word “comply” is revealing too: It starts with the latin prefix “com” which means “with” or “together”. The second half of the word is “ply” which is a derivative of the verb “to fill”. Put these two parts together and the original sense of the word comply meant to fill up something together, with a partner.

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And it’s the original latin meaning of the word that I encourage parents to focus on. As I talked with Ethan’s parents, I re-narrated the bedtime routine through this lean of doing something together… with the key word being together:  When you first tell Ethan to get ready for bed, first, choose one specific goal, like going up the stairs to the bedrooms. And offer to do it together, as a team. Maybe say, “Hey Ethan, let’s walk upstairs together! We can hold hands, or I could follow you. And we could stomp our feet together or tip toe. You choose!” 

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In this example, I included some options for Ethan to choose from so he has some agency. And I made it sound playful. And I used the word “together”. This is what I call collaboration! And it’s way more motivating for a little 4 year-old compared to being asked to comply to get ready for bed by himself. 

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A Growing Resistance 

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I think where a lot of parents and autism therapists struggle is that they create resistance by trying to assert their authority - they try to control the child and control the situation. 

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“I’m the adult and I’m telling you to do something that I want.”  

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What I’m highlighting here is really important because it makes a huge difference, especially with children who are not socially engaged or who are pushing back against adult control. And you can fight resistance by pushing back even harder, and getting angry, and by using threats and consequences. But in the long run, it doesn’t work because you create separation from the child… they can feel distant… less understood, less trusting…and will be less and less cooperative. 

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In Ethan’s case, the more details his parents shared with me about the daily bedtime struggle, the more it was clear that his parents’ aim to assert their authority, to get his compliance, was not fun for him and had turned into a power struggle. I don’t think he was Oppositional. I don’t think he fit the ODD diagnosis. But like many 4 and 5 and 6 year-olds, he was determined to explore his independence. Reading more books was way more fun to him than getting ready for bed!   

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Why We Control 

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We can all agree that controlling someone is a totally different relationship than trying to gain collaboration with them. But even though this sounds obvious, far too many parents spend more time giving instructions and expecting compliance than they do building collaboration. 

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Life is busy. Modern day parents set aside very little time to collaboratively play, in large part because you're just trying to get through the daily routines of getting dressed, feeding, bathing, homework, and bedtime. 

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But it turns out that the time you would invest in play together and in doing the daily routines and chores together, actually speeds up their participation. You can get through things faster and with way less pushback!

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A.B.A.’s Blind Spot

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I just want to take two minutes here to look through an A.B.A. autism therapy lens because the majority of parents raising autistic children have their kids in A.B.A. programs. 

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It is the most researched method. And it has helped millions of children learn new skills. 

And it relies on compliance. 

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The ABA model is entirely predicated on taking control by first taking control of things that motivate the child and then using these to reinforce what you want them to do. There is usually not much mutual participation or togetherness. Mostly, the ABA therapist or parent “supervises’” and controls the learning process. Other controls can include physically manipulating a child in “errorless learning” and physically blocking them from leaving and from doing repetitious behavior. 

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But it rarely works in the long run. You might be able to control a child to finish a puzzle, but you can’t ultimately control your child to lead a happy and productive life. This is done more easily by building rapport, collaboration, improving independence skills, and empowering free-will.

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In fact, in the Integrative Multi-Treatment approach that I developed, we don’t use the term “comply” or “compliance” at all. We aim to invite and encourage cooperation and collaboration. Both of these words speak to a togetherness, a mutually beneficial social experience. 

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I’m not criticizing ABA therapists. I’m just pointing out that what I think is a blindspot in the underlying design and approach is compliance. But it’s a blindspot that can be easily adjusted, staying within the ABA principles and methods. 

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is, it doesn’t feel good to be controlled. It’s not fun. And it triggers defensiveness and escape. Our free-will pushes back. And if we are controlled too much, many of us explode or shut down.

So in my work with hundreds of children across the autism spectrum, I’ve had the highest levels of compliance from the kids I’ve built the best collaborative relationships with. 

As I explained to Ethan’s parents during that first consultation, the kids who I’ve invested the most time with, playing games together, sharing toys, constructing things together, working as a team, and laughing at shared mistakes with, are the ones who follow my instructions and do what I ask the most. 

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This was my top-tip for Ethan’s parents: Spend way more time on his 4-year old level, playing his favourite 4-year old games, and try to have fun like your 4-year old self instead of directing his daily schedules as his supervisor.

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Of course you have to give your kid instructions! Of course you have to get them to do things. But what I’m suggesting is to do a lot more of these things together. Instead of standing beside Ethan supervising him brush his teeth, I got his parents to brush their teeth at the same time. Instead of fighting Ethan to get his pyjamas on, his dad tried my idea to put his pyjamas on at the same time, together, in Ethan’s bedroom, with him. And voila! Ethan was super interested to watch how his dad put on the pyjama pants one leg at a time, and Ethan learned how sitting on the edge of his to do this made a big difference… because his dad modelled it for him, in real time. Ethan’s dad still gave Ethan lots of instructions, but because his dad did most of them too, Ethan was more willing than ever to follow along. No resistance. 

 

His parents thought I had done a magic trick, but all I had done was help them to shift the relationship dynamic from trying to control Ethan by imposing their authority to a collaborative playful one. And it felt better for all of them.    

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Your AIM this week is to be aware of any control dynamics you might use with your child. And experiment with switching to a relationship based on playing, exploring, experimenting and learning – TOGETHER!

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Now you’re aiming for more collaboration.