A Big Surprise

 

Over the past 25 years I’ve had the privilege to help several thousand families and autistic children to learn and to thrive. At one point in my early career, as an autism-specialist play-therapist my schedule was intense with two 3-hour therapy sessions per day five days a week. I loved working directly with these very special children for so many years. And one of the key strategies was to use as much positive reinforcement as we could. If you listened for just one minute from outside the door you would hear me saying with genuine excitement: Wow! You looked in my eyes Sarah. Thanks!  Or “Way to go Juanitto… you drew the best circle!” Or “You’re so smart! You got the right answer, Ishaan!”  

 

So you can imagine my surprise and shock when years later I read in a parenting book that not all praise is equal! I had been doing it mostly wrong! I was stunned.

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The ABA Way

 

Like all of my fellow educators, I had been taught the globally accepted behavior strategy of positive reinforcement. But it was more sophisticated than just praising children all the time. I had learned in undergraduate behavior science courses that behavior can be shaped best when a child gets reinforcement that they care about - something they like - a candy, a toy, a hug —  and, when this reinforcement is given at very specific times. 

 

In the early 1960’s Dr. Ivar Lovaas at the University of California applied this behavior science to an intensive therapy program he pioneered. This is now part of the Applied Behavior Analysis Approach that we call ABA for short. ABA is the world’s most popular and prolific autism therapy. The focus is on increasing extremely well-defined behavior goals. ABA therapists are taught to reinforce what they call the “target behavior” or the desired outcome. 

 

For example, if you ask a child to point to the lion picture, then you would hold back any praise or positive reinforcement until they had done that exact target outcome – pointing to the lion picture. Half-attempts and mis-attempts are not praised. It is a highly precise technique. Therapists specifically praise and reinforce only the discreetly defined outcome behavior. And it’s true that over the decades, ABA therapy has helped thousands of children learn new skills.

 

Yet, according to the authors of the book NurtureShock, it’s possible that ABA got it wrong! ABA therapists might have been inadvertently creating feelings of anxiety and avoidance in their autistic students.

 

Science Says So

 

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, the authors of NurtureShock, are both award-winning journalists who translate science into practical life hacks. 

 

The first chapter of their book NurtureShock is about how praise actually works in human psychology. And the bottom-line is: praising children for their outcomes can lead to anxiety and avoidance while praising children for their effort leads to better self-confidence and willingness to keep trying!

 

It turns out that in study after study, when children are praised for a specific outcome - for example, the score they achieve on a math test - they then feel that they have to perform at that level again and again. They learn that adult praise is conditional on their achievement. In order to receive more praise, they have to get a similar or better math score. This can lead to children feeling pressure to perform, and when they don’t always get a great math test score… because after all, very few children are ever always consistent… they are more likely to feel discouraged. They have let their parents down and they fear they won’t receive so much praise. Their self-confidence drops. And in more extreme cases, some children who have been high-achievers and who have been praised for this achievement might stop trying altogether. This is especially true when the goals get harder. They avoid the possibility of failing. They give-up in order to avoid the disappointment of not receiving praise. 

 

Psychologists have shown that attaching praise and positive reinforcement to a very specific outcome can inadvertently and ironically become a disincentive for children to try. And especially to keep trying when they make a mistake or fail. 

 

In my parent coaching practice I’ve received an increase in families calling me for help with what they call a lack of resilience: There seems to be an increase in the number of children who have more meltdowns and who give up easily. Is there a correlation to the amount of praise that modern day parents lavish on their children?

 

The science behind all of this is fascinating and is documented in NurtureShock for those of you who want to dive deeper.

 

The Bottom-Line

 

So how should you use praise in ways that really benefits children? Simple -  just focus on their effort instead of their outcome! Praise the way in which they successfully approached a task instead of focusing on the end result. How they do it, how they show up, is more important than what they achieve. 

 

For example, you can build a child’s self-esteem by praising how you admire the way they were careful to color inside the lines of a picture. You can build a child’s resilience by praising how you noticed they stood back up five times after falling down during skating or gymnastic lessons. Praise how they didn’t give up. Praise how you were so happy that they kept trying. This will increase their perseverance. You can improve a child’s willingness to try new things by praising their bravery just to try a new food instead of praising that they actually ate the food. You can promote a child’s flexibility by praising the calm you saw when you changed their schedule. And you can strengthen a child’s emotional fitness by praising how much happiness you saw them have when they played soccer or a board game with their sister. It doesn’t matter who won or lost. It doesn’t matter how many goals your child scored. Show them that what matters most to you is that they enjoyed playing and that they tried to play their best.  

 

In other words, keep your praise focused on effort and positive feelings instead of math test and sports scores. 

 

This week, A.I.M. your praise on children toward effort instead of outcome. And include yourself… I mean, hey, you’re making your best effort too, so don’t hold back on giving yourself some well-deserved praise!